Jersey, Dallas, and between.

HEAVY on a mission to "the fittest (and thinnest) I have ever been" while finding my place in this big city of Dallas, TX . My plan in life: I would live and DIE in my home state of New Jersey (because there is NO place better). Funny thing about plans is they are ever changing. having lived a short moment in St. Louis MO and now in Dallas TX I don't really know where I will end up next but I DO know that I wont be fat there. I wont. This blog may also be about bacon. And cheese.

Sometimes I think that this may be my last chance. It’s my very last chance to look good, because before I know it I am old and wrinkly and there will be no shot of me looking fit and hot ever again. Soon I will be old, not fuckable. Aged, and ugly, I need this to be my final motivation. My big push, how could I not want that bad enough?

Too many people are slaves to pain. Whether it be physical or mental. Never give in to your pain, use it to make yourself stronger. The greatest painkiller on earth is a positive attitude.

—Scott Griffin (via toyfaremark)

(via losing-every-extra-pound)

Being back home in NJ people are not nearly as forgiving. Censoring what you say is not a trait New Jerseans are great at. I am loosing count of the interactions I continue to have with people who are not rude, but not at all helping me hide the fact that I am overweight.

While my dear husband does all he possibly can to make me feel sexy and beautiful and THIN, he does not stand a chance when I have the voice of truth ringing in my ears daily. My parents do not lie to me, or sprinkle even a little sugar on their words. As we were unpacking the U Haul, I had the job of placing the boxes in the rooms they would live in. This job had me huffing and puffing up and down the stairs, red faced and winded, with sweat pouring out of every area on my body. My father, who, is a lot like me with his food issues and weight management challenges recommends I “take a break” to which I reply in a half joking tone that “I may be fat but I am still in shape.” He laughs “you may sell things for a living, but you can’t sell me on that.”


At the farmers market today my husband, son, and I approached an organic coffee stand. I was tired from the six beers i pounded the night before which of course I regret, and was in serious need of a a boost. The gentleman as nice as he was and as much as I adored him for his awesome North Jersey accent, was about to wake me up from any little bit of the “I can pull off looking good by hiding my flaws” dream world one more time. As he starts reciting the health benefits of his coffee, he looks past me at my husband “your in shape, you know what I am talking about…” Dale laughs and says no, as he is very aware that this would affect me and the gentleman continues “ya! You look like someone who bikes, or runs…” What did I hear?? I heard “move over fat girl, I will explain this to your husband because clearly you don’t have a clue about the health benefits I speak of”


As these experiences will not make or break me, I am going to use them as fuel to motivate me to stick to my goals, to avoid the devil on my shoulder when we are out that so convincingly sways me to order the smoked meat sampler platter instead of a salad at dinner. I am going to use them all to STAY AWAKE!

Dale is leaving me for five days starting tomorrow. His parents sold their house in St. Louis and he needs to go help them clean out the basement. I don’t know what I am going to do without him. As pathetic as that sounds it is true. I am going to miss him with all of me and our normal routine will be a bit disrupted for a couple if days. I will be busy with work, and I am going to use this time to detox and loose a bit of weight. Good ole Atkins induction for a few days.

I am also going to have to get a move on in this apartment as we are leaving here in three weeks. Our furniture is still here Alana’s room is still full and the toilets need to be cleaned. I have been so stressed and drunk lately that I have not wanted to do a damn thing. Ugh time to push myself. Wish me luck.

I have been putting off this entry for a few weeks now because I feel like it might be a long one. I am going to make it short, and will elaborate later…Dale has lost his job and we are going to move to South Jersey.

I am a champion.

I love waking up knowing I resisted pigging out the night before. And it was cake!!